someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
