When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
