Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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