Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
