You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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