me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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