ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
