I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
