Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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