I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
