I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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