Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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