When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
