i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
