Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize
