the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
