I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
