I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Randomize
