her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
