Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
