im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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