True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize