So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
FUCK WHALES
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
