New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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