I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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