the day after is always just damage control
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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