Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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