Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
