Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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