My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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