Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
