Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
