Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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