Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
