The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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