Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
