new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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