What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
