Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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