That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
