i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
