...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
