At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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