never play flip cup with pint glasses
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
