I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
