no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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