My cat gives me a boner
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
