Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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