you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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