i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
