She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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