i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
