I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
