my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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