No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
