My liver just broke up with me...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
