Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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