He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
