I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
