Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
