He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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