Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
