she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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