Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
