and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
