Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
