I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
