He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
