my mouth tastes like poor choices
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need to calm my uterus...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
