girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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