In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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