I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
