You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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