I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize