Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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