My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
