Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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