So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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